The Importance of learning to receive

Last year in Lethbridge, I was on the exec for the UCC and for the Ultimate club and so I did a lot of welcoming.  I made an effort to know everyone’s name and to remember something about them to ask for next time.  I wanted people to feel comfortable and loved.  So it’s different being in France now as that can’t be my role here.  I’ve met so many people and remember hardly anyone’s name, so I can’t be that welcoming person that I’m used to being.  Instead, I have to take the role of being welcomed, of receiving instead of giving, which I think can be humbling.

One of the things that I’ve been getting involved in is the youth group activities here with the junior high and high school students.  My attitude towards this has very much been: I have so much to give, I have been so blessed in my life with my faith and I want to share that.  What I’m realizing is that I need to change that attitude.  I need to stop having this focus of “giving.”  I’m finding that this is separating me from others.  I just want to talk and share my experience of Christ, to give to them what I’ve received, but this makes me closed to receiving what they have to offer me.  From these youth groups, I have received a very warm welcome and I am receiving/learning the ability to identify with high school and junior high kids.  In the mean time, I don’t think I’ve managed to “give” them anything.   I just need to humble myself to receive this welcome, this sharing of themselves with me.  And really, why would they be interested in learning about me, when I’m not interested in learning about them?

I think it’s also a reminder that really I have nothing to give.  I think my attitude that I have so much to give and share can be prideful.  I’ve been reading this book about Mother Teresa and she talks a lot about emptying oneself:  “God cannot fill what is full. – He can fill only emptiness- deep poverty- and your “Yes” is the beginning of being or becoming empty.  It is not how much we really “have” to give- but how empty we are- so that we can receive fully in our life and let Him live His life in us.” (Mother Teresa, Come be My Light).  I think it’s a challenge to realize that I am nothing and I have nothing to give since I have been given so much in this life.  However, I think when I am able to realize that I have nothing to give, when I do humble myself enough to become empty, God will be able to actually work through me to give Himself to those whom I meet.

Today, I went to the homeless shelter here in town to start volunteering.  (I don’t know if it’s really a homeless shelter, they give out drinks and food and have programs for the homeless or people in difficulty.)  I was welcomed very warmly and given a little orientation.  Here, I realized again, it’s not what I have to give.  I have nothing to offer these people.  I don’t know what it’s like to be in need and I really don’t know how to help them or what their needs are.  I have a hard time speaking/understanding French so really they have to have patience with me while we try to have a little conversation.  So while I was there, I gave out some coffees and said hello, but I think that the homeless people welcomed me more than I welcomed them.  I think I will receive a lot from this experience too as I am trying to learn to not be afraid of the “other”.  Already being there I’m learning about our common humanity.   

A note about commenting- yeah you need a gmail account and to be honest I have a hard time figuring out how to do a new post all the time too, so I may change my blog to a different site, we'll see. 

So, until next time, pray for me.

Buen Camino

So this will probably be a long post since it will cover my last two weeks of holidays doing part of the Camino Frances, from Leon to Santiago de Compostella.  I'll divide it up day by day so that if you do want  to undertake the task of reading about my journey you can break it up. :)

October 28

                I arrived in Leon and went directly to the Cathedral for Mass.  Mass is held in this little back chapel, to get into the main cathedral part you have to pay and who knows maybe no one prays in there and they don’t have Mass there.  I wasn’t too impressed with that, it makes me feel like they’re making God’s house into a tourist attraction. 

                After Mass I went and got my pilgrim passport and it all went so smoothly, I found the place right away and then I started my Camino.  There’s arrows everywhere and it’s kind of fun following them around a big city, like a treasure hunt.  It’s nice in general following these arrows you don’t have to worry about navigating or knowing where you are so you can always just reflect. 

                So I set off and got to this town (La Virgen Del Camino, I believe) and decided that I’m feeling pretty good so I’ll keep going.  I meet up with this Australian man and so we continue on together.  This guy was crazy- his pack was huge and weighed 20 kg!  I met him again at the end in Santiago and he had kept all the weight.  We ended up taking the wrong way together.  Yes it’s hard to get lost however in some places you can take two different ways, we took the way that goes along the highway instead of through more prairie like scenery.  So eventually I realized this and turned back and then met this Australian guy again, in the end he decided to continue on and I decided to go back to La Virgen (I won’t mention just how many extra kilometres I walked).  I got back to La Virgen with all these lovely ideas of hostels being open and welcoming with community meals, etc, etc.  I go to the first hostel, it’s closed.  The second one is also closed.  I ask (or try to since I speak no Spanish) and everyone says that the albergues are closed for the season.  I don’t know what to do.  I go back to these monks I had talked to before for help.  They called down a brother who spoke some English who helped me.  I was feeling extremely discouraged at this point, almost on the brink of tears thinking what am I doing travelling by myself without a plan in a country where I don’t know the language.  Anyways he tells me I could take a bus back to Leon since I know a hostel is open there and even offers to give me money for the bus.  I ask about hotels and he walks me (that’s right walks me) to the cheap one.  I was a little concerned but it was clean, smelled like smoke though. 

So what did I learn from all this?  Gratitude.  See the whole time I was wandering around I kept blaming God (because of course it’s His fault...) for not providing for me.  Then later that evening and the next day I realized that God had provided for me.  I was the one who wasn’t prepared for hostels being closed because it was the end of the season.  God provided an English speaking monk for me and a cheap hotel.  I had so much to be thankful for.  Furthermore, although the hotel room smelled like smoke, I don’t have allergies related to smoke, so yet another thing to be thankful for. 

Anyways so when I got into my hotel room I decided that I was going to plan out this trip right now and call ahead to these hostels to see if they’re open.  I sit down to start planning and realize that I don’t speak Spanish so I can’t call ahead and plan all this, what a blessing that turned out to be. 

October 29

                I walked a lot this day.  In general I would start walking around 7:40am and then finish between 4:30-6pm each day, of course taking a break for lunch and such. 

                I started learning patience today, just a little since I struggled with this throughout the Camino.  It’s hard you walk all day and sometimes you just want to be done with it.  It’s like this battle between wanting to walk because you have nothing else to do and would be bored if you didn’t and this desire to move onto the next thing.  I think this can be applied to our lives.  Sometimes we fear being still and not having anything to do because we could be bored or lonely.  We fill our lives up so much and are constantly going from one thing to the next sometimes without really living, without really being present.  What we need to ask ourselves is where are we going?  And why are we in such a rush to get there?  Like on the camino all you do is walk, and you don’t really get anywhere.  Sure, you get closer to Santiago but really if you just wanted to go to Santiago you wouldn’t walk there, you could fly, take a bus, etc.   Where you get (often) is some random little town that basically is made up of one of two albergues.  So why in such a rush to get there?  I find that I’m impatient with life too always looking to the next thing and what I need to realize is that life is all about the journey, not about the next place we’re getting too, because then when I’m there I’ll be thinking about the next thing still.  I think that’s what this time in France is for too, to learn to be, to not worry about the future, to have patience with the present, and just live because I don’t know what the next thing will be.

                I met a German girl at the hostel I stayed at and we made supper together.  It was a parish hostel with one space heater for two dorm rooms and a commons area, it was cold.  You also kind of wonder how often they change the sheets between pilgrims, some places give you sheets and some give you disposable ones, but still if you do the camino you need to bring your own sleeping bag.

October 30

                Today I felt like I had bruised the top of my foot, I had been tying my shoes tightly to avoid blisters, maybe too tightly. 

                In the morning I walked by this heart made of stones with a ten euro bill inside.  Then up at the top of this hill is a man who offers you free food and drinks.  I found out later from other pilgrims that this guy had put the 10 euro bill there.  It was there for at least an evening and morning before anyone took it, so many people passed it by because we realized that somebody else could use it more than us.  I don’t think you’d see that on a city street.  It was an interesting idea anyways...

                I walked through Astorga and was surprised how the noise of the city shocked me.  Most of the churches that I passed on pilgrimage were closed.  In Astorga I walked in at the end of Mass and was just really grateful to spend a few moments with Christ.  On my way leaving Astorga I started to cry, I couldn’t help it (I cried a lot on this pilgrimage, it was just really tough physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally) I just really missed Christ and being with Him and receiving Him.  Here in Rodez I am able to attend daily Mass and the churches and chapels are open for me to go in and pray and then there’s adoration on Saturdays and Sundays.  So I’m learning to be grateful for the Eucharist (more on this later...)

                Today again I had to learn patience.  I also reflected on how I try to grasp at things.  So for instance, I was trying so hard to enjoy the present, so really just live and enjoy the scenery, but I was grasping at the present.  I wanted to keep this present forever, to remember this scenery by taking pictures (so really I was already thinking about the future and wanting to remember this present), and really I can’t do hold onto the present, everything passes.  (Reminds me of Ecclesiastes: for everything there is a season and a time under heaven; and of course: all is vanity and a chasing after wind).  Really trying to grasp at the present is like chasing after the wind, because it’s impossible, the more we try to grasp the more we fail at experiencing the present.  We have to just receive. 

                At the end of the day before entering the town where I was staying, I just sat and gazed out over the mountains and had a little talk with God.

October 31

                Today I walked through the mountains, it was beautiful!  I would stop and look around but then it was chilly so I’d have to move on.  The mist on the mountains made it a very mystical experience (hehe).  Anyways that night the hostel I stayed at was much fuller and I met a bunch of other pilgrims and ate with them.  It’s interesting the inclusive community like feeling amongst pilgrims.  The conversation alternated between English and French so I was glad I could speak both.  That night this guy from Hungary offered me vitamins since he could tell I was getting a cold.  I really saw Christ working through him to take care of me. 

November 1

                Today was the day that I walked way too much, I think 36 km or something and my body wasn’t used to walking that much yet.  My feet didn’t like me very much.  Part of the walking this much is due to my stubbornness.  See I took the wrong way and I could’ve ended up in the same place but I decided to turn back and find the correct camino path.  I think I realized sometimes it’s worth turning back and it’s a good thing to do (even in life) and sometimes you just need to keep going- this was a time I should’ve just kept going. 

                I walked through vineyards today.  It rained on and off and I felt like I didn’t take any breaks and couldn’t be still.  I felt homeless in a way just wandering and having to keep going.  I reflected on the verse, “Foxes have holes and birds have nests but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest his head” (sorry these verses aren’t cited or word for word... I guess I could look them up).  I think it opened me to feel a bit how Jesus felt and also how a missionary would feel.  Like St. James for instance being so far from home trying to proclaim the Gospel to people who he probably had a hard time communicating with.  I also thought about St. Francis Xavier and his missionary work. 

                Today again I felt like it was really hard to connect with God which was frustrating because I have all day to pray.  I found I missed Him but couldn’t seem to focus on prayer. 

                This night I stayed at an albergue with no heat, but I was just so grateful I didn’t have to walk any further.  Makes you realize all the things you can do without and also grateful for all the things you usually have.

                I also started to realize how this pilgrimage was opening me up to other people.  I mean you’re sleeping, etc. in close proximity with complete strangers.  We’re all dirty and smelly.  I guess I feel like I so often have fear towards unknown people or avoid people because they seem “dirty” but then when you’re that person you kind of realize how we’re all human.

November 2

                Today it also rained off and on (like most days) but I found that I became detached to the weather.  At first I was praying that it wouldn’t rain on my pilgrimage but then I realized it has to rain on someone’s pilgrimage since people are doing this all year.  Rain makes things green.  Also, rain or shine I was going to walk. 

                Today I had an easier time reflecting, how we’re all just passing in this world, people come into our lives and leave, we aren’t of this world.  Like people on the Camino you meet them and then maybe you’ll see them again, maybe you won’t and that’s ok.

 I also started missing my own space.  Even though I was alone all day it’s not like I had my own space to be, if that makes sense.  I thought about how many people live in crowded conditions throughout the world, in really bad conditions and just how blessed I am. 

                All the churches I went to today were open which was a nice change. 

                Also this was the night I had an amazing supper.  In general I paid 9 euros or less for soup or salad, main course, dessert, and wine.  This night, at this hostel, for 7 euros, we had: soup, salad, pasta dish, and dessert.  It was really good.

November 3

                Today was the day that it rained hard the whole day.  I walked 30 km but it was a lot of up and down.  I stopped once for a sandwich and then I think I walked 5.5 hours straight because if I stopped I’d get cold since I was wet.  I was able to have a really good meditation today though, I think because I couldn’t see anything around me, there were no distractions.  I wasn’t trying to take in the scenery and remember it.  It was foggy.  I compared it to the storms in our own lives how we often can’t see past them to the bigger picture and just need to take one step at a time following the yellow arrows (or in life- God’s will).  I also was able to praise God despite the rain from the very beginning of the morning which was such a gift since usually I would be complaining to God.   

                The landscape reminded me of Ireland (well what I think Ireland is like since I’ve never been there)- green hills with fog and rain. 

                I also thought about how we constrain ourselves so much with time.  Life is so different on the Camino, most people don’t have a time limit, they just go with however long it takes.  Some people just walk and when they feel tired look for a place to sleep.  The German girl I met was interesting she pointed out that some people do plan or want to do more kilometres, but then there’s injuries (or in her case her bike needed repairs) and so you just have to adjust.

November 4

                Today was Sunday and it was a day of rest.  I only walked 19 km because I wanted to stay in this town since they had evening Mass, this was the first time since Leon that I was able to attend Mass.  Attending Mass here was awesome.  Walking towards the church I found myself begging God for it to be open and for there to be Mass (it said there would be, but in other places it had said that too and there wasn’t ) actually throughout the week I had been praying that God would provide me with a place to attend Mass on Sunday. 

                I think at this Mass I began to realize why the Eucharist is translated “Thanksgiving”.  It’s just such a gift and all I could do was thank God.  I felt God say that now I have received Him and so even though I’m not able to spend time with Him in Adoration or in the Tabernacle, I am now His tabernacle, which is pretty amazing.  This means that the Church is His tabernacle- a good reminder of how to treat others.

November 5

                 I think my last line above is funny because of what happened this morning.  I stopped by this little shop to buy a pastry since I didn’t have enough food with me for breakfast.  This guy starts chatting with me which is fine, but I wanted to get a move on and he kept asking me questions which in my opinion were “rude” like what I do, that’s ok, but how much money I make, how much is my rent, I could be making more in Spain, what’s your e-mail, do you have a camera, I’ll take your picture in my store.  I found I got really upset at all this.  Finally I was just like I have to go.  It took me a while to forgive him (yes I had to forgive him since I had taken offense) and to get back to my peaceful contemplation. 

                My prayer today was hard too (it was hard a lot of the time actually) I was so distracted and you’d think that with all day to let my mind wander I could focus for half an hour, but I think it can help me learn humility and patience with myself.  Humility to recognize that I can’t even pray by myself, I need God to pray through me.  I also tried to listen to God and then I realized maybe I’m just trying too hard and just need to be and if He speaks He speaks.

                Now for a funny incident, I’m a city girl.  So today I was walking along this skinny path and all of a sudden there’s 5 big cows coming towards me on the same path, now you all probably know just how much I love animals.  I was scared they would step on my feet and that would hurt, I didn’t know what to do so I tried to just get off the path as much as possible and wait for them to pass, it seemed like a long time :P  Yeah I passed through many small little farming communities with cows, sheep and chickens everywhere.

November 6

                This day was interesting because of the people I met.  I walked with this girl from San Francisco, she got a BA and is a producer for a video games company... yeah so next time someone asks me what am I going to do with my BA I can say well I have many options, such as... :P

                Also at the hostel I stayed there was this Korean travelling school staying there too.  Yeah, so one of the girls wanted to interview me, which in the end resulted in me asking her more questions.  So basically it’s a school of 22 students ages 12-17 with 4 teachers and they travel for 10 months.  Part of their travelling is doing some of the Camino... how cool is that?  And you just think that you learn so much travelling. 

                In the dining room that night this Belgium guy also played the guitar and sang some songs- it was really cool to see how music unites with everyone singing along.

November 7

                Today I got to the town I was going to stay at and there was no restaurant or place to buy food so I just continued onto the next town which turned out to be a blessing since I was able to attend Mass (In Italian).  On the way to Mass it was raining but there was this beautiful sunset on my right hand side which created a full rainbow on my left hand side, so amazing.

                I found today I was way too much in my head so to get out I listened to some Matt Maher and chilled under a tree listening to some music for awhile.

November 8

                The last day of walking!  I arrived in Santiago early afternoon and found an albergue to stay in and then headed to the Cathedral.  I found the Adoration chapel quickly and entered and prayed and cried, just thanking God over and over.  I felt like I had finally come home. 

                I also was able to go to Confession today, so I was asking around for a priest who knew English or French so the one priest tells me to go to this guy.  So what he meant by he knows French is that he had an examination of conscience in French and Spanish and I pointed to my sins and then he absolved me.  It was interesting...

                After Mass in the evening it was pouring rain out and I wasn’t quite sure which way to my hostel, but I found this lovely couple who guided me onto the road I needed to be on.  Once again people are just great.

November 9

                What I realized today is that it doesn’t matter how beautiful a church is.  Beautiful churches can help us enter into prayer.  However, what matters most is that Christ is present, if He isn’t there it doesn’t matter how beautiful the building is because Christ is more beautiful than anything.  I thought of the verse (I actually looked this one up), “he had no form or majesty that we should look at him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.” (Isaiah 53. 2) and how that is like the Eucharist, the host really isn’t anything to look at and yet after the consecration and it becomes the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Christ, it’s just so beautiful.  I also was thinking about how Christ comes to us so humbly in the form of bread (yet how necessary bread is for our sustenance) and I wonder if we still have a hard time accepting such a humble God.  In this Cathedral the altar is all gold and the statue of St. James is all gold and then at the top (I think) it’s St. James again with a sword on a horse.  I wonder if we still want God to be this warrior king coming and forcefully changing the world into what we think it should be.  God seems to work more subtly (sometimes not) and He brings the world to salvation.

                I attended the pilgrim Mass (first pew J) and they used the giant incenser before the final blessing which was pretty cool.  Eight men control it and it swings all the way up and down while the organ booms, it was awesome.  You can probably youtube videos of it.  I didn’t try and take any pictures. 

                It was cool meeting up in Santiago with all these pilgrims I had met along the way.  That night I had supper with the German girl and she said something interesting, “Tourists come and see the Cathedral, take their pictures and they’re done.  Pilgrims come and get wide eyed and then they sit down in the square for an hour and just look.”  Maybe that’s because pilgrims have learned “to be.”  We had supper together and then went and looked at the cathedral all lit up at night.  We just sat there without speaking.

                One last thing, I think John Paul II visited St. James’ tomb on November 9, 1982.  I visited St. James’ tomb on November 9^th 20 years later.  I felt pretty connected with the saints.    

                And that was my pilgrimage.  It was tough, but I’m so glad I did it.  I would say you need at least 2 weeks to do the Camino because it takes a while to get into it.