The Andrusiak Times

October 7, 2014

Cockroach Obituaries

This week, we have already had two mortalities among the cockroaches of the Andrusiak residence.  Monday morning, Croakie was thought to have entered the Andrusiak living room through the light fixture on the roof.  It is assumed that he fell (he was always one to forget to fly) into Mrs. Andrusiak’s water glass.  He appeared to have drowned and was thrown out the front door into the raging typhoon.

 

The time of Yuckie’s death is uncertain.  Mrs. Andrusiak found him lying dead on his back under the living room desk early Tuesday afternoon.  He was promptly sucked up by the vacuum cleaner as she was doing her rounds.  Although the cause of death is uncertain, it is hypothesized that he died of poisoning, as his body was found beside a cockroach poison trap. 

Due to the high number of recent deaths among the cockroaches of the Andrusiak residence, as well as the recent discovery of cockroach poison both in and outside the home, we are advising an immediate evacuation of all cockroaches from the premises.  That is an IMMEDIATE EVACUATION of all cockroaches.  Please notify all family and friends of this evacuation.  Thank you.

Culture

This past weekend, Mr. and Mrs. Andrusiak frequented the Osa Drum Festival.  They arrived more than fashionably late at around 3:40pm as they had to walk forty minutes in the rain.  They entered the school gymnasium and watched the drumming for 20 minutes.  A speaker came on stage, assumedly thanking everyone for coming.  The Andrusiaks thought the festival continued until 6pm that evening, so they stayed at their vantage point on the upper floor overlooking the school gym.  A few minutes passed and people started to clean up, at this point they realized that the festival was over and were rather glad that they arrived when they did.  Unfortunately, at this point, the men who were playing the drums had made their way to the upper floor and were changing out of their kimonos and into their regular clothes, thereby blocking the Andrusiaks exit.  After waiting a while longer and seeing even more men head upstairs to change, they decided to take the roped off way downstairs and across the stage.  Mr. Andrusiak reckoned, “We’re always making a scene anyways.”  They crossed the stage and returned home.